As a parent, one of the incredible mysteries has been to watch each of my children come into this world with a predetermined personality. Our parenting style seems to have little effect on these inborn traits. We know that our ultimate personality is a grand mix of what we come into the world with, our genes, and the life experiences we have. One such nuanced trait that is both nature and nurture based is the optimism/pessimism scale.
You can surely place yourself on this scale as you read this. Maybe you’ve been called an idealist, or negative or someone who always looks on the bright side. It’s important to realize that both optimism and pessimism have pluses and minuses, especially with end of life issues.
These traits in general are things that help us manage our expectations of the future. An optimist will assume a positive result, while a pessimist expects the negative.
The way we tint our vision of events, whether rose or blue tinted, is also a way to manage our emotions related to these events. Optimism acts to buffer anxiety and can raise us up and out of a gloomy reality. Pessimism also protects our emotions. By expecting the worst, we insulate ourselves from disappointment and create a possibility for a pleasant surprise if things turn out better.
One way to consider the optimism/pessimism concept is to consider it as a fluid scale. We slide toward one side or the other depending on if we are thinking about work, relationships, world events, etc. Alternatively, we may consider ourselves realists, always right in the middle, finding a good mix of hoping for the best, while still preparing for a worst-case scenario.
Knowing that these traits are inherently protective, it’s no surprise that with end of life issues I often encounter the extremes. Moreover, what I notice is like most things in life, it’s at the far extremes that these traits move from being healthy to unhealthy.
I’m all for thinking positive, but when Mrs. W was confronted with her new cancer diagnosis and refused to start treatment because it was “surely a mistake, I most definitely do not have cancer” her extreme optimism is now be labeled denial. While denial will certainly protect ones emotional well-being, it does little to protect the physical reality of disease.
Mrs. W’s case is extreme, but there are more subtle ways that extreme optimism causes harm. Unfortunately, it is quite common for people on hospice to put off important conversations, financial decisions, and delay dealing with things they should because their optimism clouds the reality of how serious their condition is or how much little time they have left.
On the other end is extreme pessimism. Mr. H refused starting a therapy that would add both years and quality to his life because “What’s the point! Now that I have cancer, I’m done trying to live!” We sometimes label extreme forms of pessimism as depression. When someone is paralyzed with inaction because of their negative attitude, it may protect them from being disappointed but does nothing to improve reality.
It’s nearly impossible to move someone from the extremes at the end of life. Understanding that a lifetime of personality is at play may at least garnish some compassion.