Secondary Loss

I know I said I was done with my grief series, but I had to add one more. Last week, I had the most fantastic experience at the “Mending the Shadows” art opening at the Vernon Filley Art Museum in Pratt, Kansas. The series I did for the show on grief prompted many conversations during the night.

I am greatful for all the people who spoke with me that night, and in the days since, about how a particular piece connected with their own experiences of loss. As I listened to vulnerable stories and heart-breaking moments, there was a common theme I picked up on for some of those who have suffered a loss. Many had gone through a secondary loss of a close relationship amid their trauma.

Indeed, we don’t always know how to show up for someone who is grieving. We feel awkward or don’t know what to say, second-guess whether we should reach out, and often withdraw. That hesitation, unwillingness to speak of the loss, and ultimate absence don’t go unnoticed. It changes the friendship indefinitely and sadly becomes another loss for the person in pain.

This secondary loss becomes more noticeable as time goes on. Those first days and weeks filled with so many people showing up in support, those close friends who hold back, can initially go unnoticed. As everyone gets back to life per usual, the absence of those close relationships becomes obvious.

It’s usually not a malicious slight, but it happens when we don’t know what to say (so don’t say anything) or the loss triggers something within us that we aren’t ready to deal with, so we stay away.

Those who’ve experienced a loss will tell you not to worry so much about saying the wrong thing. Just show up, mention the loss (you won’t make them feel worse by speaking about it), and ask specifically how you can be a friend to them (what do they need?)… and then repeat all of those things again and again.